Posts tagged work
Posts tagged work
This should probably make it clear that my co-workers should maybe just leave me alone for the moment.Also, thinking Mark Ruffalo needs one of these.
Sometimes I read your posts and I get depressed because your jobs are cooler than mine then tonight I started adding and realized that since I started I’ve successfully written more than $13 million in grants so maybe I’m not doing too badly.
So, that intern that I had a while back, the one who was hired away by another agency to handle writing and processing legal documents? I just had a contract returned to me by that agency because the page numbering was off in one of the exhibits that he had processed and labeled while he was here. It started off fine: 1 of 23, 2 of 23, etc… Then we get to 24 of 23, 25 of 23, and a second round of pages numbered 7 of 23 through 23 of 23.
Exactly how does one graduate from college and get into law school without being able to count to forty-four, and to write those numbers in order? How?
And where did that fluffernutter even come up with 23?
I was maybe somewhat bitchier than I should have been at work yesterday. But when I e-mail you for the ninth time requesting a timeline for when you’re going to begin a project (with the clock ticking and the grantor asking me why it’s not started) and you write back with an attitude and get snarky about me not including any of the details in my request, my response will not only include those details but will recount every time I’ve already sent them to you. With every single one of those messages attached.
Get. Your. Shit. Together.
Leave us for a week’s vacation, we wall your cube in. (It’s okay—we hung M&Ms from the ceiling for when he does get the doorway clear.)
When bidding on a project:
• Label your DVD. I shouldn’t have to put the DVD in the computer and open the actual files to find out who submitted it. Remember your third grade teacher reminding you to put your name on your work? It applies to real life, too.
• Check your DVD case. If I have to wrestle with and practically break your disc in half to remove it from the case, I will hate you with the fire of 50 suns. At least. Maybe even 75.
• The instructions said to send five (5) copies of your proposal (i.e., a copy for each reviewer). This does not mean send one DVD containing five (5) identical copies of the file. How does that even make sense?
Dear Self-Important Twat,
When stop what I’m working on to create a rush document for you, do not respond to my email by requesting that I re-send the document I just sent but this time send it to your new staff member and copy you. Get off your ass, hit “forward”, and take care of it yourself.
The Governor is visiting this afternoon and everyone’s been running around like it’s Rex Manning Day. I’m really surprised that they haven’t told me to take the Attitude Adjustment hat off of my Buddha statue, since you can see it from the main aisle.
When did “webinar” come to mean “someone reading PowerPoint slides out loud”? And if that’s what we’re going to do, can we get actors to read them, please? This webinar might be slightly less painful if it was being read aloud by Sam Eliot or Alan Rickman or George Clooney.
I may be a little burnt out on doing the Employee Appreciation stuff at work. I put together a survey today to determine what activities people liked or disliked, and what we should do in the coming year. Instead of the standard “Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree” scale I went with a scale from “I would rather listen to the Chipmunks singing that ‘Christmas Don’t Be Late’ song on repeat for three hours while standing in line at Wal-Mart behind screaming babies.” to “This was totally like fluffy unicorns dancing in glittery go-go boots on rainbows of awesome while it rains Skittles!”
See also: I may be spending too much time on the internet. Evidence: Fluffy unicorns on rainbows of awesome.